


Lance Needs Ice

by sonshinbrow



Series: 1-800-oh-jesus [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Multi, all of them love each other, bye, hhh be proud, lance has vitiligo btw, owo, text fic, this gonna be a series tho, ur regular unoriginal text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 12:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12771405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonshinbrow/pseuds/sonshinbrow
Summary: tl;dr: roasted, burnt, & grilled





	Lance Needs Ice

_**the tailor** has created a new chat. **the tailor** has named the chat ‘Voltron!’ **the tailor** has added **pidgeotto** , **HUNKshine** , **so emo** , **Princess** , **mbp** and **gorgeous man** to ‘Voltron!’._

**the tailor:** i didn't miss anyone did I?

 **HUNKshine:** I don't think so?

 **the tailor:** I'm awesome

 **pidgeotto:** Anyways, why the chat?

 **the tailor:** the chat, Pidgey, is made for many reasons.

 **the tailor:** firstly, it was made to honor me and all my goofiness

 **pidgeotto:** rlly?

 **the tailor:** yep

 **the tailor:** wait,,,,,,,,

 **HUNKshine:** there it is

 **the tailor:** gloryness*

 **mbp:** And secondly?

 **the tailor:** no that’s it

 **pidgeotto:** not surprised

 **HUNKshine:** Um, ok then. Anyways,

 **HUNKshine:** Have you eaten today guys? Lance, you don't need to answer.

 **pidgeotto:** had lunch w/ allura, keith and coran so ya

 **mbp:** Matt and I ate earlier

 **the tailor:** where are you guys anyway

 **mbp:** with Allura

 **pidgeotto:** my dorm, Keith is asleep here too

 **spacedad:** tell Keith to do his binder stretches when he wakes up.

 **pidgeotto:** nyes, mom

 **Princess:** with Shiro

 **gorgeous man:** home

 **HUNKshine:** baking

-

 **the tailor:** I regret many things.

 **HUNKshine:** HEY IT HELPS ME DESTRESS

 **the tailor:** LOVING MYSELF HELPS /ME/ DESTRESS.

 **the tailor:** THIS ISN’t PRAISE FOR ME. 

**so emo:** you prob can’t even do that

 **the tailor:** I SUDDENLY CAN’T READ

 **so emo:** I didn’t think you could do that either 

**the tailor:** >:^O

-

 **the tailor:** oh my god I forgot mAtt

_**the tailor** has added **the other sibling** to ‘Voltron!’_

**the other sibling:** First of all,

 **the other sibling:** I'm offended.

 **the other sibling:** I'm your space parents’ AND _your_ boyfriend, Lance.

 **the other sibling:** Second of all,

 **the other sibling:** get rekt, bitch.

 **the tailor:** >:(

-

_**HUNKshine** has created a new chat. _

_**HUNKshine** has named the chat ‘Christmas Deetz’._

__

__

_**HUNKshine** has added **the tailor** , **pidgeotto** , **Princess** , **the other sibling** , **mbp** , **soemo** and **gorgeous man** to ‘Christmas Deetz’._

**HUNKshine:** so, what are we doing for Christmas this year?

 **HUNKshine:** bc we gotta do something speciallllll.

 **pidgeotto:** let's just have a movie night  & do secret santa or smth.

 **HUNKshine:** :( fine

 **HUNKshine:** have any of you already gotten presents?

 **mbp:** I already picked them out for him weeks ago.

 **Princess:** Yeah, me as well.

 **pidgeotto:** same lmao

 **the other sibling:** same lmao

 **pidgeotto:** jinx

 **the other sibling:** jinx

 **pidgeotto:** bitch

 **the other sibling:** bitch

 **pidgeotto:** stoppp

 **the other sibling:** twin telepathy? ‘,:3

 **pidgeotto:** that’s not even scientifically possible, but ok. I’ll believe it because you’re a child.

 **the tailor:** fucking dragged

 **pidgeotto:** what are you talking about, twig boy?

 **HUNKshine:** need some ice, lance?

 **the tailor:** rude

 **pidgeotto:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **HUNKshine:** lance you can come with me to get them their presents, but you have to brainstorm.

 **the tailor:** but why? They’ll be a bitch to send over

 **HUNKshine:** Lance.

 **the tailor:** fineee.

 **HUNKshine:** did any of you get clothes?

 **Princess:** Yeah.

 **mbp:** Yep.

 **HUNKshine:** quiznak

 **HUNKshine:** what about video games?

 **the other sibling:** *raises hand*

 **HUNKshine:** crap

 **the tailor:** just put a bow on yourself

 **the other sibling:** lance wtf

 **the tailor:** what?????? Anyone would be happy with that ngl

 **HUNKshine:** true

 **the tailor:** maybe I'll just get keith a knife, he doesn’t have enough

 **mbp:** Yes, yes, he does.

 **the tailor:** I know, Shiro, but I’m out of ideas.

 **HUNKshine:** what about before the movies what do we do then?

-

_‘Voltron Kidz!’_

**so emo:** what is this

 **pidgeotto:** a dead chat 

-

_‘Christmas Deetz’_

**the tailor:** Andddd I'm out of ideas, I'm just gonna put a bow on myself

 **pidgeotto:** but we wouldn't like that tho? Except like,,,, the other three

 **the tailor:** what? why? You would like it if Hunk did it!

 **pidgeotto:** yeah, bc he's Hunk and you're 

**pidgeotto:** just Lance 

**the tailor:** oh,

 **pidgeotto:** Lance I didn't mean anything by that, I just meant that everyone has a soft spot for HUNK, just not you

 **the tailor:** no I got what you meant, it's fine :^)

 **pidgeotto:** ok

 **HUNKshine:** I'm heading out to get the presents, Lance you want to come? 

**the tailor:** no I'm good, I'm sure I'll find something

 **HUNKshine:** ok ttyl guys

-

 **the tailor:** could I make keith like???? Animation of a knife,,,, since like that’s so much safer than actual knives and costs so much less?? Pixelated ofc, and he can like,,, use it instead of these boring ass emojis

 **pidgeotto** lance???? a basic bih???? insulting emojis???? Never thought I’d see the day

 **mbp:** i love that idea, and I’m sure Keith would too!

 **the tailor:** you know what I love?

 **the tailor:** you

 **pidgeotto:** you guys are fucken gross

 **mbp:** <3

-

_‘Voltron Kidz!’_

**the tailor:** a, my name is _ashley (katchadourian)_ , my husband’s name is ashton, we live in albany, and we sell anime.

 **HUNKshine:** b, my name is beth, my husbands name is billy, we live in boston, and we sell _bandanas. ___

__**the other sibling:** did you literally continue this to brag about your headwear_ _

__**pidgeotto:** c, my name is cleo, my husband’s name is casey, we live in charleston, and we sell candles_ _

__**the tailor:** ch, my name is charlotte, my husband’s name is _chandler_ , we live in charleston, and we sell chokers_ _

__**the other sibling:** s i g h, why the additional letters, and the friends reference_ _

__**the tailor:** bc that’s how the alphabet goes, and bc it work_ _

__**pidgeotto:** d, my name is delilah, my spouse’s name is david, we live in delaware, and we sell dildos._ _

__**the other sibling:** why am I not surprised honestly?_ _

__**HUNKshine:** e, my name is eliza, my husband’s name is eric, we live in edisto beach and we sell easels_ _

__**the tailor:** f, my name is (bye) felicia, my husband’s name is felix, we live in fenix and we sell felt_ _

__**the other sibling:** do i see some misspellings for some alliteration there?_ _

__**pidgeotto:** g, my name is greer, my husband’s name is green, we live in greece and we sell grease_ _

__**the other sibling:** some more alliteration there _ _

__**mbp:** h, my name is _hélene (kuragina)_ , my husband’s name is _hoyt_ , we live in _hell_ and we sell hammocks_ _

__**the other sibling:** were those two references in one?_ _

__**the other sibling:** really, shiro?_ _

__**the tailor:** i, my name is isabelle, my husband’s name is ian, we live in israel and we sell injections._ _

__**HUNKshine:** j, my name is _janice_ , my husband’s name is _joey_ , we live in jesus and we sell jesus books._ _

__**the other sibling:** more fucking references, ohmygod._ _

__**pidgeotto:** k, my name is _katie_ , my husband’s name is kayden, and we sell kaleidoscopes_ _

__**the tailor:** l, my name is lance, my husband’s name is lance, we live in lanceville and we sell lances_ _

__**pidgeotto:** omygod lance_ _

__**mbp:** m, my name is michelle, my husband’s name is _michael_ , we live in _moscow_ and we sell _mountain dew red__ _

__**HUNKshine:** my name is _natasha ((ilyinichna) rostova)_ , my husband’s name is nino, we live in nice and we sell necklaces._ _

__**the other siblings:** references, references, we’ll milk them till we run out._ _

__**HUNKshine:** i regret nothing_ _

__**mbp:** o, my name is ophelia, my husband’s name is _owen (hunt)_ , we live in oregon and we sell oracles_ _

__**so emo:** what the quiznak are you guys doing_ _

__**pidgeotto:** p, my name is _peggy_ , my nephew’s name is _philip_ , we live and we sell _pistols_._ _

__**the tailor:** too fucking soOn_ _

__**pidgeotto:** it’s been more than 200 years, lance_ _

__**the tailor:** still TOO S O O N_ _

__**the other sibling:** they’re playing the alphabet game, and making references when it’s convenient_ _

__**the tailor:** q, my name is quinn, my husband’s name is quentin, we live in quebec and we sell quarters_ _

__**so emo:** they’re playing the what?_ _

__**mbp:** r, my name is reese, my husband’s name is rory, we live in russia and we sell roller skates_ _

__**the other sibling:** the alphabet game_ _

__**princess:** s, my name is schuyler, my husband’s name is sebastian, we live in spain and we sell skyscrapers_ _

__**the tailor:** why are white people names so weird?_ _

__**the other sibling:** the abc game starts like this, [letter], my name is [name that starts with that letter], my husband’s name is [other name that starts with that letter], we live in [place that starts with that letter], and we sell [something that starts with the same letter]_ _

__**the tailor:** t, my name is _trisha (cappeletti)_ , my husband’s name is troye, we live in texas and we sell tulips._ _

__**so emo:** ohhhh_ _

__**HUNKshine:** u, my name is _unda_ , my husband’s name is unai, we live in the uniterd states of amurrica and we sell underwear_ _

__**pidgeotto:** v, my name is vanessa, my husband’s name is vincent, we live in venice and we sell vases_ _

__**the tailor:** w, my name is _wanda_ , my husband’s name is _wade_ , we live in winter wonderland and we sell weasels._ _

__**the other sibling:** two marvel references in one sentence? i thought it couldn’t be done, but here we are_ _

__**mbp:** x, my name is _xiomara_ , my husband’s name is xander, xalapa and we sell x-rays_ _

__**the tailor:** is that a reference to Jane The Virgin? Did you???? finally watch it, Shiro???_ _

__**so emo:** only you would know, Lance. ~~but yes he did, binged it and everything~~_ _

__**princess:** y, my name is yolanda, my husband’s name is _(marie-joseph paul) yves (roch gilbert du motier, marquis de lafayette)_ , we live in yemen and we sell yachts_ _

__**the other sibling:** s i g h im disappointed _in myself__ _

__**the other sibling:** either you die a hero or see yourself live long enough to become the villain_ _

__**the other sibling:** z, my name is zayn, my husband’s name is zach, we live in zimbabwe and we sell zippers_ _

__**HUNKshine:** we did it yay!_ _

__-_ _

____

_’Voltron Kidz!’_

**the tailor:** I’m jealous that most of this GC knows each other irl

 **HUNKshine:** ??!?!?

 **the tailor:** I'm very glad we met, Hunk, but Allura and Coran are family, Shiro, Matt and Allura all know each other (excuse you too for that, where are my kisses???), Pidge is Matt’s sister and Keith lives with Shiro while we're just across the country

 **the tailor:** and I wouldn’t’ve even met you if it wasn't for this scholarship

 **pidgeotto:** Lance it's 4 in the morning

 **the tailor:** 7

 **pidgeotto:** still too early for your shit sentiments

 **the tailor:** I know, I’m sorry

 **pidgeotto:** Crap, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, I've been doing homework since 10, I wish I could meet you too

 **the tailor:** is it because I'm awesome? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **pidgeotto:** instant regret, _instant_

_**pidgeotto** has left ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**the tailor** has added **pidgeotto** to ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**pidgeotto** has left ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**the tailor** has added **pidgeotto** to ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**pidgeotto** has left ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**the tailor** has added **pidgeotto** to ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**pidgeotto** has left ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

_**the tailor** has added **pidgeotto** to ‘Voltron Kidz!’_

**the tailor:** you love me

 **pidgeotto:** do I really tho?

 **the tailor:** yes

 **pidgeotto:** true

 **the tailor:** but seriously pidge

 **the tailor:** sleep

-

 **HUNKshine:** does anyone know what we look like? (I mean besides the picture of me in makeup Lance sent)

 **Princess:** I don't think so, but I don't think you have seen what we look like either.

 **the tailor:** princess, I already know you're the fairest maiden in all of the land, and I have pictures to prove it ;)

 **the tailor:** but I'll help you

 **the tailor:** this is what Hunk looks like

 **the tailor:** _blurrydefinitionofperfection.jpg_

 **the tailor:** _cleaningthemglassesforthememes.jpg_

 **the tailor:** _BEAUTYOFMYLIFE.JPG_

 **the tailor:** p e r f e c t i o n

 **Princess:** Hunk, you're so cute!

 **pidgeotto:** ^^ now onto the real question, Lance, what do you look like?

 **the tailor:** sadly, a camera can't capture how perfect I am and neither can a description

 **so emo:** are you sure? I mean you brag about yourself at least 5 times a day, sending a picture wouldn't hurt.

 **HUNKshine:** I have a picture of Lance?

 **HUNKshine:** not ‘a’, I have several pictures of Lance, he even has an album

 **mbp:** Same

 **Princess:** Same.

 **the other sibling:** same

 **the tailor:** awWw why didn't I know this?!

 **HUNKshine:** because you weren't supposed to know, but w/e, Lance is adorable

 **Princess:** True

 **the tailor:** yes [snap] I [snap] am [snap]

 **pidgeotto:** then send a picture.

 **the tailor:** nah

 **so emo:** if anyone cares, Pidge, is just a smaller younger version of Matt with no glasses

 **pidgeotto:** don't expose me like this

-

_**the tailor** is now chatting with **HUNKshine** , **Princes** , **mbp** , **the other sibling**._

**the tailor:** Hunk, please don't send a picture, even if you have an album, they already think I'm weird, I don't need that feeling to worsen

 **HUNKshine:** dw, I won't if you don't want me to

 **the other sibling:** I’ll just keep them to myself, and make a shrine

 **mbp:** Matt I could just invite you to mine?

 **Princess:** omw

 **the tailor:** @ Hunk this is why I love you  <3

 **HUNKshine:** <3

 **the tailor:** @ everyone else WHY

-

_’Christmas Deetz’_

**Princess:** we’re skyping Lance and Hunk right? Bc they're all the way across the country

 **HUNKshine:** yes!

 **pidgeotto:** why Skype, ew. Discord has video chat nowww

 **HUNKshine:** hmm I didn't think of that

 **mbp:** I'll plan it.

 **the tailor:** hhhmm yES

-

_’Voltron Kidz!’_

**the tailor:** dead meme warning

 **the tailor:** _hewwotothenephews.mov_

 **pidgeotto:** HEWWO

 **the other sibling:** H

 **the other sibling:** E

 **the other sibling:** W

 **the other sibling:** W

 **the other sibling:** O

 **mbp:** lance, why are you screaming at children?

 **the tailor:** mcscuse,

 **the tailor:** they screamed (and first too!!!) back

 **the tailor:** why am i not being defended

 **the tailor:** I am the true child here

 **the tailor:** and your _boyfriend_

-

 **the tailor:** I honestly love Hunk’s girlfriend, so much,,,,,,,, Hunk pls

 **HUNKshine:** I'm not sharing Shay w/ you, man

 **Princess:** Who is this mystery Shay?

 **pidgeotto** when can we meet her?

 **HUNKshine:** I can add her to the chat if you guys want?

 **the tailor:** nyES

 **Princess:** Yes!!!

_**HUNKshine** has added **Shay** to ‘Voltron!’_

**Shay:** hi

 **Shay:** who is everyone again?

 **the other sibling:** im lance

 **bmp:** no im lance

 **Princess:** Guys I'm offended, I’m Lance.

 **the tailor:** the audacity

 **HUNKshine:** come on guys, Lance doesn't need this, he already has enough identity issues on his own

 **the tailor:** aww thanks Hunk!  <3

 **HUNKshine:** <3

 **pidgeotto:** d’aww thanks Hunk, but I think I know I’m Lance because of how annoying I am 

**the tailor:** the s l a n d e r 

**the tailor:** ok but actually I'm lance

 **mbp:** obviously not as I am actually Lance

 **the tailor:** FINE FINE we'll settle this with a little friendly competition on who is the r e a l lance, Hunk you decide how this competition will go

 **HUNKshime:** me?

 **the tailor:** yEs, then we can know who the true alpha is.

 **so emo:** you wouldn't be able to win then, you don't have a dominant bone in your body

 **the tailor:** G A SP 

**the tailor:** HUNK ON WITH THE QUESTIONS

 **HUNKshine:** okok before we start, Shay I'm SO sorry

 **Shay:** it's fine omg

 **HUNKshine:** ok, good, now on with the questions!

 **HUNKshine:** first who's competing?

 **the tailor:** moi

 **pidgeotto** me, the one and only lance

 **mbp:** ill do it

 **the other sibling:** ay

 **Princess:** As Lance would say, yeEt.

 **Princess:** I mean I* would say.

 **so emo:** I guess I'll join since everybody else is

 **gorgeous man:** I'll join too

 **HUNKshine:** ok let's get one with the show, all participants must answer to go to the next question

 **HUNKshine:** also no sarcastic/sassy/snarky/any other ‘s’ adjectives you can think of comments *eyes Pidge*

 **the tailor:** God, Hunk, you're such a game show host  <3

 **HUNKshine:** ok, what is lance afraid of?

 **the other sibling:** clowns

 **pidgeotto:** abandonment

 **pidgeotto:** wait no that's Keith

 **so emo:** hey!

 **HUNKshine:** and Pidge is disqualified for that comment

 **pidgeotto:** hey!

 **HUNKshine:** rules are rules, man

 **pidgeotto:** fine, hi Shay, I am actually not Lance, Hunk already said my name so I guess that's pointless

 **Shay:** hi!

 **Princess:** Frogs?

 **gorgeous man:** cleaning

 **the other sibling:** sharks 

**mbp** being a jack of all trades, but a master of none

 **HUNKshine:** I can’ tell if that’s sass or not so I guess I’ll let you stay

 **so emo:** his sexualiTy 

**the tailor:** darkneSs goddamn guys plz

 **HUNKshine:** he’s right, 

**the tailor:** obvi, no one knows me better than I know myself

 **HUNKshine:** onto the next question, what’s Lance’s middle name?

 **gorgeous man:** I can't remember, but it starts with an I

 **the other sibling:** Ignacio 

**the tailor:** Ignacio

 **the tailor:** quiznaK 

**Princess:** Ian?

 **Princess:** Oh.

 **so emo:** Robert

 **the tailor:** Keith, what the cheese???

 **the tailor:** Robert isn't special enough for it to be my name, sorry no. A special guy like myself should have a special name.

 **mbp:** i really don't know? 

**HUNKshine:** final question because Lance didn't give me enough time to assemble them

 **the tailor:** pffft sorry man

 **HUNKshine:** does Lance snore?

 **HUNKshine:** I know y’all don’t know this so

 **the tailor:** I certainly do nOt

 **the other sibling:** he definitely does

 **so emo:** probably

 **gorgeous man:** I don’t knoe

 **mbp:** No

 **Princess:** I don’t think he would.

 **the other sibling:** i bet he talks in his sleep too

 **HUNKshine:** and Matt is the true Lance

 **the tailor:** my identity, stolen.

 **HUNKshine:** ok introduce yourself correctly now guys, please.

 **the other sibling:** Matt, Pidge’s older brother

 **mbp:** I’m Shiro; Matt, Allura  & Lance’s boyfriend

 **the tailor:** You’ve met me, Shay ;)

 **Princess:** I’m Allura, nice to meet you, Shay! Lance and Hunk have both talked about you!

 **Shay:** really?

 **HUNKshine:** yeah...

 **so emo:** I’m Keith, I live with Shiro

 **the tailor:** and im guessing Coran left

**Author's Note:**

> uh,,, yeah.


End file.
